Muborak Zakyrqyzy

december 7, 2005
I turned 20. It feels like you’re finally mature enough to make decisions and accept their consequences. but when it comes to the soul, I’m not so sure…
still, it was the most amazing birthday I’ve ever had, surrounded by warmth and the beach

butunlay erkin bo’lish mumkinmi? ichki xohishlaringdan, qo’rquvlaringdan, o’ylaringdan, o’zingga qo’ygan chegaralaringdan?!
Nietzsche'ning “har qanday tirik mavjudot itoat qiladi” tushunchasi har safar ko’proq o’ylantiradi. buni undan ham avval aytishgan, lekin uning fikrlari tushunarliroqdek tuyiladi menga.
ya’ni insondan to hayvongacha bo‘lgan barcha tirik jon qandaydir tartibga, kuchga bo‘ysunadi, bu bo’lishi mumkin, instinktlar, qoidalar yoki turli urf-odatlarga.
u buyruq berish va itoat qilish o‘rtasidagi farqni o‘rganib, insonlarning ko‘pchiligi itoatga moyil bo‘lishini ta’kidlaydi, chunki itoat qilish, xavfsizlik yoki nisbatan kamroq xavfni ta’minlaydi.
faqat ozchilik, o‘ziga va ehtimol boshqalarga buyruq bera oladigan ichki kuch va ijodkorlikka ega. bu insonlar qadriyat va qonunlarni yaratadi, jamiyatlarni shakllantiradi, aksariyat odamlar esa mavjud qoidalarga bo‘ysunib yashashni afzal ko‘radi.
Nietzsche fikricha, eng avval haqiqiy kuch, inson o‘ziga buyruq bera olishida, oddiygina bo‘ysunishda emas.

there’s always a void inside. you try to fill it with everything, keeping yourself constantly engaged, pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion so you don’t have the energy to think about it. you stay so busy that sometimes even your parents get worried, wondering if you’ll burn out from this pace.
it’s hard to understand this void. you don’t know if everyone feels it or just you. you do everything right, yet something still feels off, like you’re missing something without knowing what it is.
this void doesn’t let you feel fully happy. even in moments when you’re supposed to feel joy, it reminds you that it’s still there.
it’s not just a phase of growing up. it’s not ingratitude either. it’s something much deeper. much more serious

good thing about overthinking is that before doing something, even if you end up facing a really bad problem, you are able to accept it calmly and rationally without emotional reaction or stress.
because you already considered the possibility of it happening at least two month ago during your overthinking phase.

har doim men harakat qilgan narsa, bu bir inson bilan suhbatlashganda qiziqarli va samimiy bo’la olish. qaysi mavzu haqida gaplashsak ham o’sha mavzuni davom ettirib keta olish, yoki eng kamida istalgan mavzuda biror qiziqarli narsa bilishga harakat qilaman.
siyosat, adabiyot, psixologiya, tabiat, hayvonlar, emotional intelligence, sense of humor, tarix, travelling, gym, mental health, everything.
va xuddi shunday dunyoqarashi keng, onggi stereotiplar bilan zaharlanmagan va doim energiyaga to’lib turgan inson bilan suhbatlashish men uchun omad oxirgi paytlarda. shunday insondan va uning tajribasidan nimadir o’rganganingdagi feeling umuman boshqacha.
chunki soul’ingni tarjima qilib berishdan charchaysan ba’zan.
o’zining mutlaq haqligini isbotlashni xohlaydigan inson bilan suhbatlashish nightmare. chunki biz juda kam topiclarda mutlaqo haq bo’lishimiz mumkin, odatda ko’p narsalar nisbiy.